Here are a collection of true signs and notices from around the world. Some are absolute classics.


Hotel bedroom, Japan:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Doctor's surgery, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Hotel airconditioner instructions, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Zoo, Hungary:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Resaurant, Nairobi:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Men's lavatory, Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

Automatic hand dryer in public lavatory:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

Maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

Cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Restaurant menu, Switzerland:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Temple, Bangkok:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel bedroom, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE
UNBEARABLE.

From the Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

Newspaper, East Africa:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Black Forest, Germany:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED

Laundry, Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Hotel bedroom, Moscow:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Dentist's advertisement, Hong Kong:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Airline, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.


Blue.

Here's some more funnies.

We all know kids can say some of the most funniest things, they can get away with things that adults wouldn't even dream of! So why not brighten your day with some hilarious things kids have said on their test papers at school and yes, these are real test answers!

• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
• "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
• "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
• "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
• "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
• "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
• "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
• "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
• "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
• "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
• "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
• "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
• "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives." <-- My favourite!
• "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
• "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
• "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
• "For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
• "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
• "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
• "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Kids eh... don't ya just love 'em!

You crack me up Blue! Where did you find these!

That's ones just perfect!

For those who work in an office:



>ONE POINT OFFICE DARES
>
>1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
>
>2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other
>non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
>
>3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
>
>4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
>say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
>
>5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
>ears and grimace.
>
>6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
>huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
>
>7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out,
>say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
>
>8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
>
>9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
>
>THREE-POINTS DARES
>
>1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
>double-barrelled fingers.
>
>2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get
>all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
>
>3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
>
>4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
>nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
>
>5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
>
>FIVE POINT DARES
>
>1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice
>to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if
>you actually launch into it yourself).
>
>2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you
>with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
>
>3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
>
>4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do
>a number two".
>
>5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.
>As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
>
>6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
>
>7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
>and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
>
>8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
>witness, I'll never go hungry again".
>
>9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in
>tights".
>
>10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
>trade?"
>
>
>11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
>"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
>
>12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't
>talk about it".
>
>13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
>lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
>
>14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a
>very important conference call.
>
>15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
>
>16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your >
>pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
>
>17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit,
>smash each biscuit with your fist.
>
>18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards
>the door.
>
>19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
>attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life
>counterparts.
>
>
>And if that wasn't enough for you...
>
>1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
>a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
>
>2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going
>to have to let one of you go."
>
>3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
>fries with that.
>
>4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
>
>5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got
>over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>
>8) Don't use any punctuation marks at all in your e-mails.
>
>9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
>10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
>answer.
>
>11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>
>12) Sing along at the opera.
>
>13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
>
>14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
>jungle sounds all day.
>
>15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
>party because you're not in the mood.
>
>16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
>Hard.
>
>17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd
>time this week!!!"
>
>18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
>yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
>

ROFLMAO!!!

This is WAY WAY evil... I like it... or atleast I would if I wouldn't be entirely devastated as a victim of this.... aaaahhhhgg